How to Find Lasting Love
Confucius Reveals the Secret to End Serial Dating
Catfishing, Tinder swindlers, and “situationships”—modern dating has become increasingly complicated and far less promising. It seems as though no one is ready to commit to anything, and everyone is prepared to flake at the very last minute.
Having done my fair share of serial dating, I turned to an ancient text—The Doctrine of the Mean—and completely transformed my mindset on dating. What we give out to the world and how we protect and guard ourselves will determine the kind of people we attract.
I was surprised to find the answers in scriptures written over 2,000 years ago, but the olden days did have a much simpler approach to navigating love. Let’s open our minds and explore this wisdom together.
Chapter 21 of the Doctrine of the Mean Holds the Key
Ancient texts like The Doctrine of the Mean (Zhongyong) can feel intimidating, but don’t worry—I’ve done the reading for you. After 20 chapters discussing the difficulty of attaining enlightenment, the writer shifts focus to one word, and one word only: sincerity (cheng).
Sincerity is considered one of the highest virtues in Confucian philosophy—a principle that aligns one’s internal truth with outward expression. To Confucius, sincerity was not merely about honesty, but about embodying truthfulness in a way that aligns character, intention, and action, thereby fostering harmony in relationships and society.
For those swiping through dating apps, we often encounter the opposite of sincerity. How often have we met someone in real life only to find they are completely different from their carefully curated online persona? After being let down so many times, we learn to protect ourselves—we lower our expectations and, at times, ghost others in pursuit of better options.
The problem is, this kind of toxic dating energy perpetuates a vicious cycle, keeping us trapped in a fruitless dating game.
Let’s break the cycle.
Understanding Sincerity: More Than Just Honesty
Sincerity in The Doctrine of the Mean is not simply about telling the truth; it is about embodying truthfulness in our entire being. It influences our presence, decisions, and interactions with others. When we are truly sincere, we do not need external validation or deception to shape our relationships. Instead, sincerity becomes the guiding principle that naturally fosters trust and genuine bonds.
The energy you put out into the world will attract the same kind of energy back. If you believe in visualisation and manifestation, then sincerity must also be a key tactic in finding true love.
How to Apply Sincerity in Modern Dating
1. Know Yourself First
Sincerity begins with self-awareness. Before engaging in romantic relationships, take time to understand your values, needs, and non-negotiables. Ask yourself: What do you truly seek in a partner? Are you looking for companionship, long-term commitment, or simply exploration? What is the one non-negotiable quality your partner must have? Being honest with yourself about your motivations will prevent misalignment and unnecessary heartache.
2. Communicate with Clarity and Authenticity
If someone who seems almost divinely matched enters your inbox, sincerity helps to ensure clear and direct communication. Don’t play games if you don’t want the other person to play games with you. Avoid ambiguous or misleading statements just to keep options open. If you are interested, express it sincerely. Trust me, it’s a breath of fresh air. This does not mean being intense or clingy, but rather standing firm in your self-worth. This approach fosters mutual respect and minimises unnecessary confusion.
3. Resist the Culture of Performance
Dating has become an elaborate performance, but it doesn’t have to be so strategic. We are all busy, so respond when you genuinely have the headspace to do so, be affectionate when you feel it, and let go of the pressure to follow unwritten dating ‘rules’ that encourage insincerity.
4. Stay Consistent in Words and Actions
Sincerity naturally aligns thoughts, words, and actions. If you tell a partner you value honesty but remain evasive about your feelings, that inconsistency breeds distrust. If you say you seek a committed relationship but entertain emotionally unavailable partners, that misalignment creates confusion. Check in with yourself—are your thoughts, intentions, and actions aligned? Is the other person’s?
5. Be Open to Vulnerability
Sincerity requires openness and courage—two qualities that society craves yet paradoxically discourages. We build emotional walls because we fear rejection or disappointment. However, true sincerity embraces vulnerability as a strength rather than a weakness. Being honest does not mean being ‘all-in’ too soon. Think of it as letting someone visit your garden while still keeping the door to your house firmly locked. The other person must prove they are worthy before entering your home.
6. Cultivate Emotional Maturity
It takes true maturity to be sincere because sincerity extends beyond self-awareness—it requires consideration for others. Expressing feelings does not require immediate, unfiltered disclosure at every moment, but rather a mindful approach that respects both your emotions and those of the person you are engaging with.
7. Recognise and Respond to Insincerity
Not everyone will operate with sincerity, and recognising insincerity in others is just as crucial as practising it yourself. Be mindful of inconsistent behaviours, mixed signals, or avoidance of clear communication. Rather than attempting to ‘decode’ ambiguous actions, accept them for what they are. Sincerity does not chase ambiguity—it seeks clarity.
The Power of Sincerity in Love and Relationships
Practising sincerity in dating does not guarantee instant success or protection from heartbreak. However, it does eliminate people who are simply playing games and creates a foundation of integrity, respect, and emotional depth that attracts like-minded partners. When you are sincere, you naturally invite sincerity in return. You foster deeper connections, establish clear boundaries, and engage in relationships that are not just performative but genuinely meaningful.
According to Confucius, sincerity is the only way to be in alignment with the dao (or the universe). Once we are aligned, the right things will come our way—including true love. When I read this passage, I was astounded that the Western world has not widely embraced this concept. This is why I invite you to practise sincerity—it is a surefire way to attract the right things into your life, including the love you truly deserve.